James Smith’s Info Serv

by Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz

In case you didn’t know it, there is a character element in love and loving relationships. People who say they love each other and then cheat on their spouse or lover, or lie to them on a regular basis, aren’t really in love. Oh, many think they are, but they really are not. People who love each other have character when it comes to their marriage or relationship.

In our interviews over the past 25+ years with couples that had a successful marriage we are always struck by their undying trust in each other. They literally trust each other with their lives, their fortune, and their sacred honor. The words they use to describe the one they love more often than not include words and expressions like trust, honesty, loyalty, respects me, admires me, always there for me, never lets me down, truthful, and never lies to me. Their trust for each other is about as complete as you can get. And when we ask couples in love during our interviews to place, in an overall sense, where their relationship is on a 10-point scale with 10 being “Absolute Trust,” without exception, they say “10!” Isn’t that wonderful? Remarkable? These are the couples that will celebrate their golden anniversaries together!

Trust is not something all loving relationships start with. For some couples the trust becomes complete in a few years. For others, it takes awhile. But one thing is for sure; happy and successful marriages and relationships survive and thrive on the basis of this trust. Trust is so pervasive in their relationship that they never give it a second thought. They expect it. It’s always there. It is part of the fabric of their marriage.
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The divorce rate spikes among married couples after they have children. The pressures of raising kids, running a household and holding down a job leave precious little time for reconnecting with each other, leaving spouses vulnerable to affairs or feeling like they’ve just “fallen out of love” with one another. Take the time to listen objectively to your daily conversations with your spouse. Do you talk exclusively about the kids? About home repairs and chores? About what bills to pay and when? It may be time to refresh your relationship with a night out together, away from the kids, the house and the bills.

If you can manage it, have date night on a weekly basis. However, if finances or lack of childcare is an issue, be sure to at least have date night once a month. If you absolutely can’t leave your children with someone else, set aside time once a week when the kids are in bed to reconnect with each other.
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Sometimes a weekend getaway is just what a couple needs to reestablish their relationship and make a new connection. Making this weekend getaway a romantic adventure can further enhance the benefits of the getaway. Engaging in adventurous activity can have the affect of drawing the couple closer together. Try finding an activity that is new to both of you and you will be able to bond while tackling new challenges and adventures. A romantic adventure may include exploring a new location, enjoying the outdoors or taking flight in a hot air balloon or glider. Whatever option you choose, a romantic adventure is sure to rejuvenate your relationship.

Travel can be a romantic and adventurous way for a couple to get away for the weekend and put some spark back into their relationship. Exploring new locations whether they are exotic or domestic allows a couple an opportunity to learn and discover together. If you live relatively close to another country you may have the chance to visit another country for the weekend and learn about different cultures, foods and people. If exploring a new country is not possible, do not be deterred. Exploring a new city can be just as fun. There may be many cities close by that you and your partner have either never visited or visited only briefly. Even spending a day or two in a new city can be an enlightening adventure. If you truly immerse yourself in a nearby city and take the opportunity to visit local restaurants and shops you are bound to notice that although the city may be very near in proximity to your own city, it has its own vibe about it. The culture of a city is driven by its residents so visiting a new area is often a chance for you and your partner to enjoy a new adventure together. Travel, whether it is domestic or international is a wonderful opportunity for a couple to enjoy a romantic weekend adventure.
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Firstly I must say that things don’t change but people change. Let me explain to you why I said so.

In the beginning of a relationship where or when “boy meets girl” everything is exciting. A lot is focused on looks, how do I look or I got to make sure he or she likes what I am wearing and always looking attractive. Right! That normally goes on for about 3 months to 6 months and then it stops until as a couple you going out for dinner or some special occasion.

Now six months later things start to become boring and dead and the relationship don’t seem to be exciting any more. You ask, “Why is that happening?” The reason is like before in the beginning of the relationship you both made an effort to dress to impress each other. Why not 6 months down the line or even a year into the relationship you do the same as in the beginning?

Keep the excitement going and growing, keep each other excited about wanting to be around each other. But in all that excitement always keep the communication aspect of the relationship open or on going.
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Moving to a new location, or going through any change of circumstances that results in an upheaval of your friendship group, is always a challenging - and often a painful - experience. Some people are fortunate and form a vibrant new friendship group based around neighbours, work colleagues or another friend already based in that new location. Others, however, are less fortunate and struggle to meet new people and make new friends as quickly. This could be due to any number of reasons. Perhaps this person has moved to a new location but is not in employment. A good example could be a family - mum, dad and two young children - moving to a new location because mum has got a great new job with far better career prospects. It is agreed that dad will remain at home looking after the children. Whereas previously the father had been part of a close network of parents who would meet at nursery, or simply drop by each other’s home for an hour or so, now he finds himself feeling isolated and lonely. Of course, this feeling of isolation is amplified for single parents who don’t have the benefit of time spent with their partner as a way of relieving the tedium experienced as a result of spending their time without adult companionship. The need to meet new people and make new friends of a similar age is clearly evident in this circumstance.

A further example of new-found isolation, but not caused this time by a change in location, is that which is experienced after the break-up of a long-term relationship. In this situation it is possible that friends have previously been mutually shared between both partners in the relationship. Upon separation it is hard for these mutual friends to know which side to ally with and, if one partner is supposedly at fault for the break-up of this relationship - perhaps they had an affair or the split came about at their sole request - then the mutual friends will often tend to side with the assumed innocent individual. Again it is easy to see how the other person can be left feeling lonely and isolated and in a situation where they would love to meet new people and make new friends.
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