James Smith’s Info Serv

There are two sides to anger. On one hand it can be the cause of tremendous pain and suffering. It can turn into hatred or violence in the blink of an eye and destroy everything we love and care about, or it can turn inward and become bitterness and despair. The later of course just eats us up from the inside until we break down or break apart. The master key to understanding how to prevent your life from being like a roller coaster ride of emotional upheaval that anger inevitably brings is that when anyone is angry what they are really saying is, ‘I don’t feel loved and accepted’.

By remembering this simple fact the next time someone you know gets angry, you can turn it around for them instantly. All you have to do is help them to feel loved and accepted. This might mean asking them questions to find out what’s upsetting them, or giving them space to vent their feelings, or even just listening to what they are saying and not giving an opinion unless it’s asked for.

Don’t expect that this will be as easy to do with yourself. If loving and accepting ourself was that easy wouldn’t everyone be doing it?

Here’s some more secret’s to getting rid of anger:
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As a rule, I’m not a big fan of anger. Generally speaking, I don’t consider it to be a particularly valuable emotion (most of the time).

It’s more often than not, associated with violence, insecurity, embarrassment, fear, resentment, selfishness and jealousy, than it is with anything particularly positive.

All the bad stuff.

Road-rage, ugly parent syndrome (crazy parents watching their kids ‘play’ sport), domestic violence, street gangs, inter-racial hatred, murder, war, terrorism… destructive anger pervades every part of our society and culture… and destroys happiness, hope, harmony, relationships, business partnerships, families, lives and a bunch more.

Excessive, consistent anger makes people sick. Physically sick. Take a good look at someone who is always angry, they will usually look physically unwell. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to learn. Angry people are ugly. Angry people are socially repugnant.

However . . . .

(You knew that was coming right?)
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Sometimes life can be very confusing. We strive to walk a spiritual path, being accepting and forgiving. We smile and send blessings unselfishly to all that cross our path. We meditate and pray, but how do we deal with negative people when their wrath is directed at us?

We are all still human, and we have feelings, and yes, egos. When aggressive, angry people confront us, it is sometimes hard to keep that ego in check. Dealing with someone who is acting out of fear and insecurity can also be very tough. How do we gently thwart an abusive aggressor and still hold true to our beliefs and spirituality? It is a hard road, but I can offer some basic suggestion, which have helped my tremendously over the years.

· Let spirit guide you. Always trust your higher self to guide you to the correct course of action. Listen to your inner voice and discern what your emotions are telling you. Separate ego thoughts of retaliation and defense from those loving, caring emotions of your soul. Remember the ego will always defend by attacking or withdrawing, so we must know and curb our ego and settle into our spiritual higher selves. When we think and act out of love, we will always pick the correct actions.

· Try to See and agree with their point. We sometimes can understand the motives behind peoples actions if we give thought to their situation. Remember there is no right or wrong, there is only different points of view and opinion. So seek to see the other side of the disagreement. If you know the abuse towards you is unwarranted, and you cannot see the truth or motivation behind the situation, just calmly listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to agree with them, but do strive to know why they are acting the way they are. Listen intently to what they are saying. You can rebut with something like; “I understand that you are felling a certain way, and that I perhaps did something to provoke these feeling, but I did not intend to cause this situation. That was not my intention and I apologize. I hope that you feel better soon, and if there is something I can do to help, please let me know” Simple as that.

· Let them speak, and be truly interested in what they say. The ego is a simple thing to understand. Give it your undivided attention, and it is happy. If you are sincere when listening to others, it satisfies the basic need of attention and they will be less aggressive (most of the time, anyway). Like I said before, sometimes people just want to be heard and noticed. So listen and let them know you see them and are truly interested in their plight, even if the problem is with you. When responding, always use their name in the sentence. This makes them feel important, and may lessen their anger even more. Responses like. “Lisa, I understand what you are saying.” Or maybe; “I can see where you are coming from, Lisa.” And remember eye contact! Nothing says you are interested in what someone says more than direct eye contact.

· Accept responsibility for your actions. If you actually did do something to create the problem, and the complaint is legitimate, take responsibility for your actions. Apologize. Offer reciprocity or ask them if you can do anything to make them feel better. Most of the time, people just want to be heard and apologized to.

· Do not accept their gift of anger—keep your cool. One of my favorite Buddha stories goes like this: One day a disciple came to the Enlightened One. This student was angry and confronted the Buddha. The Buddha sat quietly in meditation while his student raved on. Finally, the student asked the Buddha if he could hear him and way was he not reacting with anger? The Buddha opened his eyes and politely said; “If I do not accept your gift of anger, does it not still make it your own?” By keeping your cool and acting calmly during an angry confrontation, you will not give fuel to the fire. It takes two to tango, so if you do not armor up, the potential confrontation is merely one person venting. When in this situation, remember the other points in this article.

· Defuse their anger… by apologizing and letting them know that you understand that your actions led them to this stress. If someone is about to push you, you can either back away or confront their advances. Confronting their advances only deepens the well of discord and creates a fight, but by intelligently backing off, their aggression is immediately defused. By removing the motivation for their advance, you can defuse the situation before it gets out of hand. When you feel your anger rising in defense of your ego, immediately take a deep breath and find your center. Know that the anger and negativity within your attacker is only a reflection of what is inside of them, and not inside you. You are not the negative things this person says about you. This only makes your abuser a person that needs to be negative out of insecurity and inner fears. Forgive them, for they know not what they do or how to act in accordance with universal law.

· Knowledge is power. Know they really feel they have a reason for their negativity and aggression, but they do not know how to maturely convey the message to you. Thank them for letting you know how they feel. Let them know you appreciate them having the courage to let this matter out. Respond accordingly, but always reply out of love and respect and not retaliation, protection and fear.

The things people say may hurt our feeling, but as spiritual beings we can choose our actions to these negative situations and let it go. Your ego may want to let the person know they hurt you, but this is not the time. After the situation has been defused, you will have the chance at a later date to speak your truth. If the person is someone you whish not to speak with, a letter written from a place of love and compassion is a great tool to honor what you believe.

As we walk a spiritual path, we are not immuned from the negativity of the world, but we can choose to act in accordance with spiritual law. We will always be uplifted when we choose the right action and not retaliate in defense of our egos. The Bible says the meek will inherit the earth. A Course in Miracles expands that thought by saying that the meek will take over the earth with their passive inner strength. So remember these words and the above suggestions the next time you are confronted with aggression and anger. Be passive—take the high road, and let your spirit and inner strength rule the situation.

Dave Ferruolo is the Author of “Connecting with the Bliss of Life: Powerful Lessons for Living a Peaceful and Happy Life.” He is a former Navy SEAL an inspirational and motivational speaker, success coach, consultant and spiritual counselor. http://www.daveferruolo.com

Anger is a serious problem for one in every five Americans. Road rage, workplace violence, domestic abuse and even addiction are just a few of its many expressions. The reason such a large umber of our nation’s citizens are on antidepressants, are overweight, and involved in all kinds of destructive relationships can be directly traced to the effects of anger, particularly the hidden kind.

It is another to know how to do this. Even though we may want to forgive, anger can be ruthless in the course it takes, attacking and disrupting our body, mind and spirits. However, there are many specific steps we can take to root this toxin out of our lives. As we do the results will be reflected not only in our mental and emotional well-being, but also in our environment and physical health. When anger is rooted out, love and forgiveness arise naturally and our lives and relationships become all they are meant to be. Anger has many faces. It appears in various forms and creates different consequences.
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There is a lot of talk about using the power of “positive thinking” in order to get what you want out of life. The general consensus is that the more you keep your mind tuned to your Personal Positive Network, the faster you will attain the things that you want in life.

That is all very true. However, is it the ONLY path?

As humans, we realize that something in our lives is good because we compare it to something bad. We know what a full stomach feels like because we know what it is like to be hungry. We know what a white shirt looks like because we compare it to a black shirt. We perceive “good” in the world by comparing it to our perception of “evil”.

The human existence is one of contrast - we experience things as being either pleasurable or not so pleasurable based on our perception of the opposite of that thing. Without contrast there can be no good or bad, there can be no right and wrong, and there can be no black and white.

If you think of happiness as a positive emotion, then you must also have experienced sadness. If you think of money as being something that makes you happy, then you must have realized what it is like to not have enough of it. If you think of perfect health and weight loss as being keys to your joy, then you must also have the knowledge of what it means to be overweight or unhealthy.

So, bearing all of that in mind, if we are supposed to attain our goals in life by positive thinking, a question is then raised about what happens to everything that we don’t perceive as “positive”.

Based on the fact that we experience positive things by comparing them to what we perceive as negative, then the fact remains that the negative things MUST exist. They have to be “out there” somewhere, or else we wouldn’t have anything to judge our positive feelings and experiences on.

Let’s jump ahead to a time in your life when you will experience some of that negativity. It’s bound to happen eventually, if you’re not already dealing with it frequently. Eventually you will have something that - no matter how hard you try - brings about a negative reaction or situation in your life.

If you are truly skilled in the art of positive thinking, then these circumstance will be rare, and they will pass quickly. However, the fact remains that regardless of how much of a positive person you are, there will come a time when you have to deal with something that you consider to be negative.

In a classic state of irony if one ever existed, it is possible for you to USE that negativity to achieve a positive result! Here are 3 examples:

1) Mental - If something bad happens to you or becomes a factor in your life, you can embrace that negativity as a reminder of what you DON’T want in your life. If that negativity is brought about by a bad relationship, then embrace the fact that you will never be in that kind of relationship again because you now know what you DON’T want. You can take positive steps towards making sure that your next relationship has none of the negative aspects of the previous one. That same concept could be applied to almost any negative situation that affects you mentally.

2) Physical - When you are upset about something - especially angry or frustrated - then exercise! Pound out your frustrations on the treadmill or weight training floor. Take a kickboxing class or use a punching bag. Go hit the sidewalk and see if you can break your personal land-speed record for the 2-mile run. In a nutshell, use your negative emotions as POWER to juice up a great workout. The positive side effects are that you will feel much better after your brain releases the exercise-induced endorphins, and you will also be more calm when you return home or to work where the negativity was introduced to you in the first place. Also, you get to be more healthy!

3) Task List - Using the same example as when you exercise, take that bottled up negative energy and explode it onto the things that you have to get done in life. You would be amazed at how fast you can clean your house from top to bottom when properly motivated, or how quickly you can knock task after task off of your to-do list when you are screaming around with the power and the speed of a freight train behind you!

None of the words in this article are meant to imply that you should try to find negativity in your life just so you can energize your personal output. You should also not focus on your negativity and use it’s power as a “crutch” to get through life or to stay on top of your responsibilities.

No, as this article started out saying, being positive IS the way to go, and you can use the power of positivity to literally build the life of your dreams.

However, when life throws you a curve ball and you have no choice but to deal with negativity, then turn it into a positive thing by doing something good with it!

Aaron Potts offers free self empowerment teachings at http://www.todayisthatday.com/blog/ and is the author of eBooks that teach about positive thinking, the Law of Attraction, and weight loss. Get his free newsletter or check out his books at http://www.todayisthatday.com